Dr. Irene S. Levine: The Challenges of Making Friends on a Large Campus

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I'm a college freshman at a large state university. I chose not to join a sorority because it's really not my thing, and I've had some difficulties joining campus organizations. They don't make it easy to join clubs here. I've made a few friends, but no one close yet, and I feel that it's been a long time not to develop any close relationships.

All my high school friends at smaller schools across the country have their new best friends. I had amazing friends in high school, so I can't understand why I haven't been able to make true friends in college yet. The few friends I have made are very nice people, but we don't share many interests. I'm frightened that I will be alone for the next four years of my life, and I don't want that to happen.

Any advice? I'm smart, funny, likable, and approachable, so I don't understand why I'm always the one trying to initiate contact.

Best,
Bethany

ANSWER

Dear Bethany,

The transition from high school to college is a difficult one because students leave behind their family, friends, and all the people and things to which they were accustomed. For many students, this transition is made even more difficult if they attend a large school where they may initially feel invisible, almost swallowed up by the masses of people around them. The challenges of connecting with other students can be even more daunting.

Remember, it's only the beginning of November and you're just beginning your college experience. It's wonderful that you have the confidence and self-esteem to approach new people; some of your peers aren't able to do that. In the end, it doesn't matter who made the first approach.

While you don't feel close to the people with whom you've already developed new friendships, that's to be expected. Close friendships need to be nurtured slowly. You may find that, over time, you have more in common with the friends you've already made than seems apparent now. And perhaps, instead of one best friend, you will find several people with whom you'll feel close to in different ways.

Each semester provides another set of opportunities to meet new people, both in classes and in your dorm. Also, as you begin to take courses in your major, class enrollments tend to be lower in number, making it easier to meet people with similar interests.

Resist the temptation to compare your relationships to your friends' at other schools. Remain in contact with them via text or email---and keep doing what your doing on your own campus: Initiate contact with others, join clubs, play sports and keep yourself open to meeting new people. As another way of coming in contact with people, you may want to see if there are any part-time work or volunteer opportunities on campus, depending on your interests.

My guess is that you will eventually find some mutually rewarding friendships and maybe even a best friend. In short, keep pursuing your own interests and doing the things you love. Using your already proven social skills, they will make you a people magnet!

Hope this helps!

Best,
Irene

Recent posts on The Friendship Blog about college friendships:

Guest Post: Making friends at college 101

When anxiety clouds a friendship

Guest Post: Meet the roommate

?

?

?

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

This entry passed through the Full-Text RSS service — if this is your content and you're reading it on someone else's site, please read our FAQ page at fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php
Five Filters featured article: Beyond Hiroshima - The Non-Reporting of Falluja's Cancer Catastrophe.

View the original article here

Dr. Irene S. Levine: Disappearing Acts: Should you think the best or assume the worst?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

It is hard to know if lengthy silences and withdrawals by friends are because they are trying to dump you or because they are busy and a little neglectful. I especially grapple with this at birthdays and at Christmas time, often continuing to send cards or emails because I assume the best---that my friends are just busy.

But when I am always the initiator, does this mean I am refusing to accept that they don't really want to continue the friendship? Is it better to assume the best and send occasional missives? How does one know?

Signed, Becca

ANSWER

Dear Becca,

What a great question! You really get to the crux of the ambiguity of many friendships, which is something that everyone grapples with from time to time. Just as the beginning and ending of friendships are often fuzzy, it's sometimes hard to gauge what is going on with a friend mid-stream, particularly if you haven't spoken to her for a while.

People's lives change over time and sometimes the threads that connect them becomes frayed and weak. Thus, many relationships we thought would last forever turn out to be transient----and friends, even very close ones, slip in and out of our lives for a variety of reasons. Other friendships are continuous but change in intensity and frequency of contact.

As you suggest, lack of communication may mean any number of things: that the person is engaged with or overwhelmed with other people and/or responsibilities (e.g. work, family, etc); that the person needs more alone time for herself; or that the person is either purposely or unconsciously withdrawing from you.

Being a good friend entails being sensitive to the needs of another individual and to the natural vicissitudes of friendship. Unless you have a concrete reason to think otherwise, you should always assume that lack of communication has more to do with the other person than it does with you. Sending periodic emails, short notes or cards to acknowledge her birthday, or holiday greeting cards are thoughtful and non-obtrusive ways to tell the other person you're thinking of her.

But if there is no pick-up on the other end---for example, your friend never initiates or reciprocates after you reached out three or so times---it makes sense to check in more directly to find out what's going on. You can either call her, offer to get together, or send her an email asking if everything is okay in her life and between the two of you.

In most cases, your friend's response will allay your concerns. If she doesn't respond or answers in some vague way, allow some time to pass and try again. If there is still no positive response after that, it's safe to assume that your friend is withdrawing or at least needs a break and you need to accept that.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Have a question about female friendships? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her recent book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at PsychologyToday.com.

?

?

?

Follow Dr. Irene S. Levine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/IreneLevine

This entry passed through the Full-Text RSS service — if this is your content and you're reading it on someone else's site, please read our FAQ page at fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php
Five Filters featured article: Beyond Hiroshima - The Non-Reporting of Falluja's Cancer Catastrophe.

View the original article here

Irene Monroe: Re-introducing lesbian, bisexual and transgender women of African descent

With October is Coming Out month, I thought I would reintroduce a subgroup in our community touch which is too often forgotten or ignored, lesbian, bisexual and transgender women of African descent.

I want to re-introduce this group as an innovative study in July came entitled "Black Lesbians matter" examines the unique experiences, perspectives and priorities of the Community black lute, and unfortunately little is known about it.

This report reveals that the lute women of African descent are among the most vulnerable in our society and the need for advocacy in the areas of financial security, health care, access to education and marriage equality.

The study is akin to a census carried out for several months in 2009-2010 where women lute 1,596 regional organizations, the State and New York, Atlanta, Chicago and Denver and through a survey on-line participated.The study focuses on five key areas: health, family/parenting, identity, aging and invisibility.

Main findings of the survey revealed the following:

? Health - it is a model of suicide rate higher among nous.érudits mainly associate these suicide rates higher with its ability to cope with "exit".
? Family/parenting-45% of households in same-sex female black include a biological child of one of the partners in their household.Parental homophobic political at the United States will be disproportionately affect black LBT parents or parents.
? Identity--in the age group 69% of 18-24 are less likely to identify as lesbian. Especially identified as queer.
? Aging – 25% more than 50 years living alone and the fear of poverty and homelessness.
? Invisibility-48% were rejected and discrimination, disclose identity work leading to the exclusion of society and even termination events.

It is clear that survey provides information of the avant-garde of a traditionally marginalised group, highlighting the needs and concerns identified by the communauté.Mais Zuna is the first to collect data on us.

Although Zuna Institute autour of since 1999, people still wondering who they are.

The inimitable way that black women kitchens operate as "think tanks" on civil rights and social justice issues, delivery of many organizations, is how Zuna Institute was founded.Zuna is the first of its kind to become a national organization providing services to the lute black community.Believing that the development of a healthy LBT black identity can only be advocating specifically for lute of African descent on a national level and it would effectively eliminate the prejudices and barriers of race, class, gender and sexual orientation discrimination, that we face daily, Zuna aims to improve our quality of life by organising national conferences providing education for the health care, political and economic promotion or relational and social resources.

Since the 1970s were almost a 20-year hiatus since the country has seen activism collective black lute at the national level.

However, in the lute years 70 women of African descent have become increasingly important and increasingly visible role in queer politics and féministe.Deux hotspots were New York and Boston.

In New York "Salsa Soul Sisters, Third World Wimmin collective Inc." was the first "out" women of color organization and the oldest black lesbian organization in the country today the group is called "African ancestral lesbians United for Social Change."

In Boston, the "Combahee River Collective," referring to Harriet Tubman, conductor on the underground railway released 750 slaves near Combahee River in South Carolina in 1863 was a black lesbian in active feminist organization, 1974 to 1980.Le group is best known for "Combahee River collective statement" document key in history and the shaping of black feminist pensé.Le paper presented a new paradigm to watch oppression by ranking does not like race, class, gender and sexual orientation, a hierarchy of oppression, but rather to look at all of multivariate analysis, recognizing the nested oppression.

Today here in greater Boston "Combahee River Collective" Ethics continues with "Queer women of color and friends" (QWOC + Boston), a community organization dedicated to the creation of a social space for diverse affect women of color.

Deceased African-American poet and activist Pat Parker, in his book "Movement in black," writes on how the company did not embrace its multiple identities. "If I could take my everywhere with me when I go somewhere, is not to say to them, "no, you stay home this evening, you're welcome, because I go to a third party white where I can be gay, but not black."Or I'm going to read black poetry, and half of the poets are antihomosexual, even thousands of situations where something of what I can come with moi.Le day, all different parts of me may arise, we have what I would call a revolution.?

After nearly two decades of lute women of African descent on a national level Zuna invisibility causes a revolution taking bold in this era of politics, single-issue queer contents stage to remind us all what we.

?

This entry transmitted via the service for full-text RSS - if this is your content and you read on someone to another site, please read our FAQ page fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php
Article five filters features: After Hiroshima - non-rapport Cancer Catastrophe of Fallujah.

View the original article here