Ilana Donna Arazie: 5 Ways to Think Happy

We all know that life spent navigating the hectic pace of New York City can be overwhelming, even frustrating. I ran into a friend the other day, and when I asked how she was doing, I got a shrug and an "eh..." like she was some crotchety old grandpa about to tell me about her sciatica. Apparently the city had been wearing on her. But why let it be a buzzkill? Life is way too short to be kvetchy.

If you ask me, Groucho Marx had it right: "Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead; tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Of course, we're only human; I, too, get into ruts, succumb to fits of rage and have my fair share of meltdowns. I am Jewish, after all, and I fight my neurotic, negative tendencies every day. I think Moses must have included these lovely traits with the Ten Commandments when he passed them down to my people.

Here are some techniques that keep me focused on happy, calming thoughts. And yes, unicorns, rainbows and cute little black dresses are included.

Focus on What You've Got
You can't afford your favorite sushi restaurant, the pressure of the holidays is getting to you and the last time you cuddled with someone you liked, Obama was still popular. Well, we all have our share of inconveniences. But what in your life is going right? When you put your energy toward dwelling on what's wrong, you get stuck there. Instead, focus on the good things you have going on. Soon you'll not only feel better, but you'll also draw more good things your way. Having trouble finding a few things to be grateful for? Hot showers and sugared cereal count!

Lose (the Illusion of) Control
Dharma Punx leader Josh Korda once explained to me why we get so down and out in the big city. He said we base our identity on things that are constantly changing: work, friends, our bodies... Everything in life is constantly in motion and out of our control. Korda's advice? Let it all roll around you, but base your true identity on your deeper self. Really, the only thing you can control is the way you react to the changes around you. So sit back, flow with the chaos around you and don't let it make you nuts.

Forget Your Goals
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best, the smartest and the fastest. When we fall short, boy do we get cranky. Not even Superman himself could be the perfect hero. Yoga principles teach us to be goalless, which might make any city-dweller go mad. But what if your goal every day were to feel joy or simply to be content? You might be surprised to find your greatest achievements grow from that peace.

Endorphin It Up
Sure, you can drink all night, but exercise and yoga give you the same or better effects naturally. Serotonin, the "feel-good" neurotransmitter, is released in your brain when working out. Yoga shifts life's energy around in your body so that you're in balance, which leaves you feeling happy and slightly stoned. Nothing wrong with that! Throw in a little meditation and green juice and you've got yourself a lovely, happy-go-lucky cocktail.

Be in the Now
You've heard it a million times on "Oprah" and from Eckhart Tolle, who writes, "Nothing ever happened in the past; it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the future; it will happen in the Now." We are only stressed when we are thinking about our future and past. If you concentrate on the present, you're golden! This moment creates the next, then that next moment creates the following one, and like a domino effect, you're on the right path.

Life's too short (or too long, for that matter) to feel miserable. Only you have the power to redirect yourself into the feel-good Now.

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Dr. Irene S. Levine: Disappearing Acts: Should you think the best or assume the worst?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

It is hard to know if lengthy silences and withdrawals by friends are because they are trying to dump you or because they are busy and a little neglectful. I especially grapple with this at birthdays and at Christmas time, often continuing to send cards or emails because I assume the best---that my friends are just busy.

But when I am always the initiator, does this mean I am refusing to accept that they don't really want to continue the friendship? Is it better to assume the best and send occasional missives? How does one know?

Signed, Becca

ANSWER

Dear Becca,

What a great question! You really get to the crux of the ambiguity of many friendships, which is something that everyone grapples with from time to time. Just as the beginning and ending of friendships are often fuzzy, it's sometimes hard to gauge what is going on with a friend mid-stream, particularly if you haven't spoken to her for a while.

People's lives change over time and sometimes the threads that connect them becomes frayed and weak. Thus, many relationships we thought would last forever turn out to be transient----and friends, even very close ones, slip in and out of our lives for a variety of reasons. Other friendships are continuous but change in intensity and frequency of contact.

As you suggest, lack of communication may mean any number of things: that the person is engaged with or overwhelmed with other people and/or responsibilities (e.g. work, family, etc); that the person needs more alone time for herself; or that the person is either purposely or unconsciously withdrawing from you.

Being a good friend entails being sensitive to the needs of another individual and to the natural vicissitudes of friendship. Unless you have a concrete reason to think otherwise, you should always assume that lack of communication has more to do with the other person than it does with you. Sending periodic emails, short notes or cards to acknowledge her birthday, or holiday greeting cards are thoughtful and non-obtrusive ways to tell the other person you're thinking of her.

But if there is no pick-up on the other end---for example, your friend never initiates or reciprocates after you reached out three or so times---it makes sense to check in more directly to find out what's going on. You can either call her, offer to get together, or send her an email asking if everything is okay in her life and between the two of you.

In most cases, your friend's response will allay your concerns. If she doesn't respond or answers in some vague way, allow some time to pass and try again. If there is still no positive response after that, it's safe to assume that your friend is withdrawing or at least needs a break and you need to accept that.

I hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Have a question about female friendships? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her recent book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at PsychologyToday.com.

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